That was the only applicable title I could even think of for this post, considering that this is one of the most blindingly shiny Prada handbags I have ever seen in all my born days.  I mean seriously, is this supposed to double as a reflector or something? The Prada Black Patent Leather Quilted tote bag could probably safely signal planes in for a landing, that’s how frigging bright it is. It is safe to say, though, that its patented patent leather shininess is by far not the only issue I have with this abomination trying to pass itself off as a purse.

For one thing, in addition to searing your corneas, you could safely hide a body in this Prada bag.  This is huge!  It is HUGE.  It is positively ginormous and when combined with its distracting sheen, I personally think this purse becomes a serious safety hazard.  Say you’re walking down the street with this bag, right?  It could catch and reflect the sun at just the wrong time, and send a ray of light into a passing driver’s eyes.  Or, someone in a car could see you lugging this humongous eyesore down the street and get so caught up in gaping at it and wondering just what you’re carrying around in there that he or she crashes into a stop sign or something.

Besides that, the quilted thing just gets to me.  I don’t get quilted bags, I don’t like most of them.  I think the designers behind this thought that they could make the quilted angle look chic by doing it up in patent leather.  They were way off the mark.  The verdict?  I think they ended up with the kind of granny bag befitting either a grandmother like Blanche from the Golden Girls or for one of Monty Python’s Hell’s Grannies.

All right, everybody. This is another one of those Prada handbags with which I need some help. This is the Prada Leather Patch Bowler bag in dark brown, and I absolutely cannot decide whether I like it or not.  I think I do?  But I really, really could be wrong.  I just can’t tell.  So tell me: is this fab or is it a huge, gelatinous pile of flub?

On the one hand, you absolutely cannot deny the fact that it is immaculately crafted.  The design is perfect, the stitching is flawless — I mean, this bag is beautifully put together.  The design itself is both intricate and interesting.  The way the pieces of leather are stitched together catches the eye and keeps it — but because there are so many shapes, the eye does not risk getting bored either.

On the other hand, this Prada purse is really … busy.  There are so many embellishments.  Tabs and stitches and straps and buckles and studs — it’s just all so much!  I mean, yeah, it’s beautifully put together, but I just reconcile all of the separate pieces together.  They don’t really mesh well for me.  I don’t thing they transition very smoothly.

So help me out, guys.  What’s your verdict?  Is this bag a winner or a wiener?  Uh … sorry, I couldn’t think of any other alliterations.

Folks, I have to be honest with you: this is one of the ugliest Prada handbags I have ever seen in my entire life.  Honestly, just looking at it sears my retinas, makes my head hurt, and sort of makes me feel like throwing up in my mouth a little bit. This is the Prada Mini Nappa Striped Hobo bag, and while it does not take away from my love for nappa leather, it does make me wish that gold no longer counted as an acceptable color.

There’s no question that I’m not a fan of gold. Even as far as jewelry goes, I won’t mess with yellow gold. White gold is all I can handle, because it doesn’t look like gold at all. There are, of course, exceptions to that rule … but this Prada purse definitely is not one of them. This is so god awfully ugly that I don’t even know what to do with myself. I cannot even find a word in my considerable vocabulary to describe how very much I hate this frigging bag.

I can, however, articulate why it rubs me the wrong way so vigorously and mercilessly. For one thing, it looks like a holdover from the disco area. This is the kind of loud, ostentatious, gaudy bag you could have expected to see during the golden days of Studio 54. And betwixt me and thee, I wish it had stayed there. The verdict? Well duh, darlings — if I ever see anyone actually carrying this bag around, I’ll probably be tempted to kick them in the shins.

Nope, kids, I’m sorry. We are through with those particular Prada handbags – at least for the time being. I think you will agree that today’s bag is a more than adequate replacement, though. The Prada Royal Calf Easy Shoulder bag is so frigging cute that I don’t even know what to do with myself. I was staring at it dreamily for about five minutes before I even started writing this.

First of all, I absolutely adore the color of this bag. It’s so easy for grey bags to be depressing, if they don’t have a metallic sheen. This one could have been in even more danger of doing so because the accents and details are primarily grey as well. It’s saved from being bland for several reasons. One of them, I think, is the front buckle: a noticeably lighter shade of grey, it’s something of a mystery to me. It’s almost a conundrum. I don’t want to light it at all, yet I can’t deny that it’s an eye catching piece. The same goes for the shoulder strap, which gives the elegant silhouette a more modern twist. The palette here saves the bag from being a dude as well. Silver links alternate with darker grey, the pattern almost reminds me of barbed wire … and I like that. A lot.

The verdict? I like this bag a lot too. A whole lot. The fact that it leaves me guessing just makes me like it more.