Okay, okay, maybe that title is a little harsh. After all, can any Prada handbags truly fail? The answer is yes, yes they can – at least in my estimation, but hey! I’m writing this, so it counts! In the case of the Prada Vela Small Crossbody satchel, my loathing is not ambivalent at all. It can’t be blamed on color choice either, though that certainly makes this whole debacle worse.

This Prada purse, in my (not so) humble opinion, is one seriously hot mess. It verges on grotesque to me. Granted, I’m something of an extremist; I’ll grant you that, at best, most people find this bag merely boring. It goes so much deeper than that for me, though. The second I saw this purse, though, I actually threw up in my mouth a little bit. I will also grant you, though, that these two colors, specifically, made me gag a little more than I might have otherwise done.

This bag is too … you know what it is, honestly? It looks slimy. It makes me feel like my flesh could crawl if I slung it over my shoulder. What makes it even worse is that it’s a satchel – you’d be strapped in by all the slime. It’s too slick looking, to straight, too simple, and too solid. It is way too solid. I think that if the metal accents weren’t the same color as the bag, maybe it wouldn’t seem so bad. And yes, okay, these turquoise and sick green colors? I need some ginger ale.